Happy to be transgender?

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No, I am not happy that I am transgender.

I know folks who are okay with their being trans. The following strictly belongs to me, though almost all trans folks share some or a lot of it.

I continually get the impression that people like Matt Walsh, the blogger with whom I took exception last week, think that all of us trans women and men are happy to be this way. To quote him, we are fulfilling sexual proclivities or fetishes (or are mentally ill), the driving forces behind our living in a gender with which we were not identified at birth, which does not correspond with our DNA.

I was foolish enough to post my blog link to Walsh’s column, one among over 300 comments. Did anyone ask a question, to learn more? Did anyone demonstrate concern that this is a terrible burden? Did anyone recognize what a horrible thing it has been never to be able to escape this a single day of my life?

No, of those who commented—all of which appear to be Christians—all I got was condemnation.

There is a mindset that people get when confronted with people of whom they know nothing, and the proclivity (!) for hardening their hearts and digging in bigoted heals rears its ugly head.
• For them, all inner city African American males only care to cultivate criminal behavior.
• For them, all Muslims are terrorists.
• For them, all people out of work or on disability are lazy and only want to suck off the system.
• For them, all gays and lesbians are immoral, unethical people seeking to wickedly influence young people.
• For them, all transgender people love getting their jollies by masquerading as, to use Walsh’s term, people they are not.

Because trans-haters harden their hearts, they do not have a clue how hard people like me worked not to transition, how desperate we were to remain in the sex with which we were identified at birth, how suicide was a very real and present danger, and the many reasons we fought not to transition.
• For Christians like me, having serious concern that transitioning might be sinning, and not wanting to offend fellow Christians.
• Not wanting to upset or possibly lose a marriage.
• Fearing how bad you will freak out your children and siblings and parents and others, and losing them from your life.
• Losing a job. (I had to retire from the job of my life, and it crushed me.)
• Losing income.
• Losing housing.
• Losing your good name.
• Adding discrimination.
• Adding the serious possibility of being physically harmed.
• Adding the absolute possibility of being ridiculed, mocked, and hated.
• Adding many doctors and specialists to your life.
• Adding huge expenses.

I said to Julie last week, as I have said to her so many times, “I hate being transgender.”

If I hate being this way, then why am I transitioning? Ask a cancer patient why she undergoes chemotherapy. Our answers will sounds strikingly similar.

I am transitioning because I want to feel better, and I am feeling better. I finally do not have two people battling for my brain. For the first time in my life, the dis-ease aspect of my gender dysphoria is gone and my mind is at peace.

But the cost!

If I could just be a regular guy, how easy my life would be. If I could just be a regular gal, how easy my life would be. If I could just be regular . . .

If I had a pizza for every time, the past three years, that I said, “I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want anyone to hate me.” I always spoke those two sentences together. Always in that order. Always with bitter tears. Always followed by, “But I need to be only one person. Being two people doesn’t work. I don’t care which I am—a man or a woman—just let me be only one person.”

I have never been a trouble-maker. I always was the happy-go-lucky one, the one who got along with everyone, the one who was the life of the party, the one with a quick joke, the one with a big smile for everyone.

I’m still that person, but now I can’t be that person for everyone because of the ones I’ve hurt and the ones who hate me—well, perhaps they don’t hate me, but they don’t know how to deal with me so they no longer are in my life. And I wonder how many feel the way Matt Walsh speaks, considering the likes of me a non-person, a sexual fetishist, a nut case.

I hate being transgender. I did not choose this. This is not a “lifestyle,” as detractors love to throw at us trans folks. Because of the disruption to my endocrine system, which I experienced in the womb, I am an intersex person. As I cannot alter my being Caucasian, or of German heritage, or an American, or left handed, or an Eilers, I cannot alter that I am intersex.

And, now I have to admit, I wouldn’t.

I know, that sounds like a non sequitur. It doesn’t follow that I hate being transgender but I would not change it. Here is why I would not change it.

With all of the other things of which I am made that I cannot change, I cannot arbitrarily decide to change one of them without upsetting the entire cart of my life.

To quote that great philosopher, Popeye, I yam what I yam. To change one thing would squash what I yam. And, do you want to know the neatest thing? I am tremendously, marvelously pleased with what I yam.

I cannot locate another person on earth, not in the history of the world, who can claim a more rich, more blessed life than I have experienced in my first nearly fifty-nine years. Every good thing that life has to offer, I have enjoyed. Some of the unique, challenging, wonderful things in life, which few get to enjoy, or by which they have the opportunity to grow as a person, I have enjoyed.

I sit here, often troubled at my being transgender, and ponder my life, and I am dazzled.

I am dazzled at what the Lord Jesus has done for me, has given me, through which He has blessed and strengthened me. The things He has put into my hands that I might have use of them, to mold and shape them, and utilize them to show my love for Him and to serve my neighbor in His name.

If I were not the sum total of these parts, I would not be what I yam, and I don’t know what yam that different person would be.

So, I will continue to hate that I am transgender, just as I hate that I sin daily and fall short of the mark the Lord has set for me, and I will continue to use the many gifts with which He has blessed me so that I might enjoy this marvelous gift of life, serve my family and community, and work for good in this world.

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18 thoughts on “Happy to be transgender?

  1. I see a great deal of self rejection whether you “walk” as female or male. You hate being transgender and you could not stand being male. Why so much SELF rejection. While I do not suffer from gender dysphoria I can relate to self rejection and ridicule.

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    1. Thank you for reading and commenting, jane doe. I understand from whence your reaction, so I will explain. The self-hatred I experienced as a male did not take root until I hit my 50s. As I said, I had been a happy-go-lucky guy. In my 50s, my gender identity questioning kicked into high gear as gender dysphoria. In 2013, it exploded. That’s when I simply hated everything about being a male.

      Now that I am transitioning (since last year), I do not hate myself. Here is a key distinction: I hate that I have to be transgender, and all of the baggage that goes with it as I described in the essay, but I no longer experience self-hatred. Thankfully, I deal with things as they come and conquer them. So, even though I am once again enjoying life and finally comfortable in my own skin, my first choice would be not to be transgender.

      I hope this sheds light on this complicated condition.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Ha! I got a huge laugh at your conclusion, Kelly. 🙂

    I’ve heard from several of our friends, who have said similar things to your this “just hits home with me.” Thank you for reading and your kind comments!

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  3. Your post is soo full of wisdom, soo well written, soo wonderful. I feel the same way but could never begin to express my feelings as well as you did. i haven’t begun to transition……………….yet, don’t want to for reasons you expressed but have to for the reason you expressed. The only thing that keeps my heart from breaking entirely is knowing that God understands……………..sigh

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  4. Sigh, indeed.

    First, you are very kind with your words about my post. Then, I cried at reading your comments, for your sake. Oh, how I don’t want your heart to break! Yes, the Lord understands. And as He kept me in one piece during the couple of years I kept falling to pieces, so He will be faithful to you.

    Is there anything I can do for you, with you, by your side? I am open to talking on the phone with my friends, if you would like. My email address is porthopepizza@gmail.com. I could give you my phone number through that. No pressure, just a friendly gesture of reaching out if you wish.

    Peace,
    Gina

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  5. Transgender is no more than a lie told by lairs.
    there is no way you or anyone can even come up with a cite to even have a good debate the a transgender is even real. So a phony idea and lie like transgender is hard to prove even without a cite[s] to back up such a claim.
    You are and will always be the gender that you are at the time of your birth. You are a male and you will always be a male no surgery can change, and no take hormones can even change that. the fact is you are a man and that is all. seeing that you have no cite to base your claim make you a lair. Do you want to live life as a lair or not? If so keep on making that claim that you have made for yourself. You see you have no integrity and you should know that integrity does mean to be honorable and truthful. This is why transgender are all lairs.
    Just by trying on you mother’s cloth or any of your sister clothing or any girl having you try on their clothing when you where a little boy does not mean that you are a transgender. Or even you playing with girls toys even makes you a transgender.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Your welcome for reading my blog.
        In truth my eyes are very open and I am not and never was or will be even hateful. Here is why.
        It is people that are very liberal and full of liberalism that are the real and True haters of this world, and I am not nor shall I be a liberal or believe in the Marxist way of life which by the way is being a liberal.
        The one thing is the true haters are those that say it is okay for a boy to even wear a dress in the first place and these are the liberals of the world. They are the ones that wear blinder on, for they cannot see and love to live in the dark where they feel safe.
        Thank you for your response
        Thank you

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi, Gina,

    Thank you for posting so openly. I was surprised to learn that you had no idea you were transgendered until you were in your fifties. That’s me, too. I have never experienced gender dysphoria *as* gender dysphoria, which is probably why I never localized my problems in life with gender specifically; my trip in this direction began with a long-standing desire to have been born female and an awareness that I possessed some strong female energy. I started exploring this in earnest in late February. Six days ago, I had my epiphany.

    Since then, the pace at which I am changing has accelerated. Coming out would probably cripple me financially — loss of one of my jobs is practically guaranteed, once I start getting a noticeable chest — but I desperately want to. A week ago, if you’d told me I’d be shopping for clothes, holding women’s clothing up to see if it will fit — I’d have been shocked. Now, I can’t stop myself.

    I think it’s a driving need to live authentically; and, after so many years of being half-alive, it’s irresistible. I haven’t run into heavy opposition yet; when it comes, I’m sure it will be difficult for me — perhaps very difficult. But right now I am ecstatic to be transgendered. I have always *wished* I were a woman; and to find out that I already *am* one, even one with the handicap of being born and raised as I was, is better than not being any sort of woman at all.

    I am so grateful for this amazing gift. I get to be a girl! 🙂

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    1. Hi, Ann~

      Thank you for reading and for commenting.

      As varied as our lives and stories are, we also very often share so many things in common. You have pointed out key ones. I have friends whose stories sound so similar.

      Clothes shopping is so much fun!

      Very interesting that you concluded with “I get to be a girl!” After I finally told Julie how badly I was being crushed, and we agreed that we would pursue my transition, I walked around the house with a goofy smile on my face, declaring, “I get to be a girl!” As much as I wanted to remain male, I am so pleased with how I now feel – as I wrote in today’s post.

      This is a terrible struggle, figuring ourselves out and transitioning. But it is worth it. I wish you all the best. Do, keep in touch.

      Peace,
      Gina

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  7. Gina, your perceptiveness amazes me. When you told me in an early conversation that you felt we were kindred spirits, I was skeptical. I didn’t see how you could come to that point of view so quickly. However, after reading this particular blog post, I can tell you that my thoughts and feelings echo yours. I too, wish I were not transgender. Yet, I would not change a thing in my life. I love my children and grandchildren. If I had it to do over again, I’d likely do the same things. Paradoxically, this is the most disturbing time in my life, yet I have never been more joyful and content. Thank you for articulating my thoughts. Popeye is also one of my favorite philosophers.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank you and thank you, Colleen. More than simply your comments, I appreciate that your commenting compelled me to re-read this, the first time I have done so in I-don’t-know-when. I needed it, today, to be reminded of the conclusion I reached over a year ago. I needed it, to buoy my own spirits.

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