The return to Greg: Q & A

These are the questions asked by those, whom I informed over the past months that I have been feeling male.

If you don’t see your question(s) answered here, please let me know what you are wondering.

 

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This easily is my favorite photo of me as Gina.  (January, 2016.)

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Did you change your mind about being transgender?

No.

For me to return to living as a male was not a conscious decision. I had finished transitioning. I was content. That I stopped having any sense of being female, and now felt completely male, came as a shock to me.

After fighting with it for a few months—struggling with how I was going to live as a guy with these large breasts, and having a drivers license and credit cards that name me as Gina Joy, not to mention my three transitioning surgeries—the sense of being a male persisted, so I finally accepted it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Did you keep your men’s clothes?

Yes. I kept them all.

I didn’t keep them with the thought of using them again; it was only me being the practical person that I am. I had put them away in tubs and stored them in the basement. There simply was no reason for me to do anything more with them, so there they stayed. For weeks, I’ve been in the process of doing that with my women’ clothes, and my attitude toward them will be the same.

IMG_20180622_143041295
While I loathe hauling out old clothes and packing up my dresser and closet, this is the first time I ever was pleased to remove my women’s things.

I’ve had this chat with several trans women regarding their men’s clothes.  It’s been common that the desire to transition has been so strong that when they replaced their men’s clothes with women’s, they got rid of their men’s clothes.  It was important for them to do so—a landmark, long-desired event.  It’s one more example of how we all experience being transgender in our own way.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Do you still consider yourself transgender?

Yes.

I still consider myself transgender for a number of reasons. First, I don’t know that I am done with this. While it is my fervent hope that I am done living on a seesaw, I have to be realistic that I could again have gender dysphoria, and again live as a woman. Second, because of the surgeries I’ve had, my body isn’t strictly male anymore. Third, I continue to identify with transgender folks in general, and especially with those I’ve gotten to know. I long to strive with them, to be there for them, to do whatever I can to be of service to them. Indeed, just last week I spent the better part of an afternoon with a new trans friend, who met me as Greg. My being able to speak to her of having gone through the entire process of transitioning was beneficial to her.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Do you have any regrets, such as having surgery?

No.

Do I wish I had not found myself needing surgery? If this male sense of myself persists, yes, of course. I wish this male sense could have happened years ago, but we don’t get to live that way. We can only live what we experience, one day at a time.

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Okay, okay!  I admit that three days after my facial feminization surgery, as seen here, I wasn’t exactly all zippity-doo-woo-hoo about surgery!

Everything I did in transitioning, I did with great care. I did nothing impulsively. I proceeded methodically. Julie and I talked through each step. I prayed for the Lord to direct me. And, interestingly, every initial surgery date was postponed, which gave me the chance to rethink each one. Even going to court, I had to return to have my gender marker switched from male to female.

Nothing along the way, as I proceeded, and as I concluded, caused me any regrets, so how can I have regrets now? Wishes, yes; regrets, no.

Even more, all of 2018 I have had the keen sense that I would not be where I am now if I had not taken every step in transitioning. It seems to me that if I had put off any step—say, having my face done, or having sex reassignment/gender affirming surgery—I believe I would still be in the process, I would still be struggling with myself to get those things done, and that would have me unable to have reached the peace which I now enjoy.

That all might sound weird. You might even find it preposterous. Fair enough. Regardless, it is exactly what I believe to be true:

I had to make the entire journey to reach its end.

vocal-cords-2
If I hadn’t had surgery, you would never have had the wonderful opportunity to view my vocal cords!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What if the sense returns, that you feel female?

If it does, I’ll deal with it.

I can’t live in fear of that happening. I suspect that I feel these days the way a person who has beat cancer feels. When I am strong, I feel like a world-beater. Thoughts of a relapse are the furthest thing from my mind.

But, honestly, the thought of the two-person struggle returning almost knocks the wind out of me. I fear that it could destroy me. I have gone through this so many times, as I wrote in The return to Greg (2), with each episode worse than the previous. Now that I’ve enjoyed being free of gender dysphoria for six months . . . well, to those who asked I have said that I might just tear my house down with my bare hands, so filled with anger I believe I would be were it to return.

I am living as though it will never return.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Do you fear that you will set back progress made for transgender persons?

A bit, but, really, not because of me. Rather, my fear is based on those who do not listen, who have hard hearts, who are stuck in their prejudices, who will find anything they can to say, “See? I told you so!”

I take this tremendously seriously. I have learned so much about gender dysphoria, the challenges which go with transitioning, and living as a trans person. I have met dozens of trans women, trans men, and those who are gender queer and gender fluid. Their struggles have been my struggles. I can’t ditch these folks now. I desire to do all I can to help them.

When I was asked the question, here is what I heard: “Perhaps you should continue to live as Gina. If you can’t do so in everyday life, you should continue online as a trans woman.”

I can’t do that. First, I am a person who strives to be open and honest—two important marks of being a person of integrity. Second, these months that I have been transitioning back to living as a male, I have felt like a liar as I have lived as a male but have continued online as a female.

Honesty is the only way to go. Ever since I went public, in 2015, regarding my gender dysphoria, I have been totally open and always straightforward.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

2016-03-01 13.32.48
As Gina, I met some dandy folks, including Barb “The Impaler” Clayton, my electrologist.  As she and I hold the issue of Indianapolis Monthly, where my article appeared, it was my first time being paid to write for a publication.

Now that you feel the way you do, would you change anything you have written?

No.

Ever since I went public, I took care to write honestly, whether I was discussing gender dysphoria, transitioning, or Christianity.

Regarding gender dysphoria and being transgender, I believe in everything I wrote. Since I did not change anything in my understanding of God’s Word, I have nothing to retract in my writing about the Christian faith. Even in the essays, where I was very hard on my fellow Christians, I continue to find everything I wrote to be faithful to the Lord.

I’m good.  No regrets.  Next question?

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5 thoughts on “The return to Greg: Q & A

  1. I’ve read your last 3 blogs. Certainly no rejoicing over whoever’s right or wrong, but rejoicing exceedingly that for the first time you have inner peace and deep seated and quiet contentment. If this lasts then my prayers for you and Julie are finally answered. Te Deum Laudamus! If not, the Good Shepherd has a firm grip on you and will continue to walk you through this trauma

    Like

    1. Hey, Rich~

      I almost done writing a reply, then my internet closed on me, and I lost it. (And I almost lost it when that happened!) I have to go out for a bit, so I will reply later. For now, know that I am thankful for your note.

      Greg

      Like

    2. Certainly, the Lord answered our prayer even before we prayed it. We just happen to really like what, these days, we perceive to be the answer!

      Everything else I lost yesterday when my internet closed on me, I’ve decided was too much to get into here. If you are interested in talking further, please shoot me an email. You can imagine, since it’s been so long since we talked, that I have tons stacked up. So many things have happened, and I’ve learned so much.

      The Lord be with you, Rich!

      Like

  2. Thanks be to the Lord that you have found what appears to be lasting peace. And thank Him also that the responders to your three posts have been most civil.

    Liked by 1 person

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