Giggles, goofs, and gaffes

Declaring the solar eclipse potentially too dangerous for its citizens, the state of Indiana has outlawed it.

Local politicians weigh in:

Indiana state senator Phil I. Buster: “We studied the results of previous eclipses. Finding that 0.00017% of Americans suffered vision damage from the last eclipse, we simply could not take that risk. Besides, reports of excited school students and exhilarated adults concerned us. Indianans aren’t equipped to handle that much excitement.”

Representative Lesley Lature laid down the law, “Either the sun or the moon will have to shift its course when it cruises over our state. If not, they will have their Indiana rights and privileges revoked.”

When lawmaker Mr. Righteousindignation was found to have made plans to go to Ohio next week, the press pressed him. Fidgeting, he finally blurted out, “I have to go to my grandmother’s funeral!” Mr. Righteousindignation is 77. Why hadn’t the media been all over the death of his grandmother, who surely was the world’s oldest person?

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Facing fierce congressional pressure, I stand firm: I never met with a single Russian official during my transition.

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The man became addicted to communicating only by way of internet images. Some people are just so meme-spirited.

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I just got a job as a tour guide. My first tour will be to guide a group of tour guides who are in town to examine our museum’s historical collection of printed tour guides.

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When a medical examiner has died of a heart attack, was the fatal blow a coronerary?

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Rabbit pick-up line: “Come on, baby. Let your hare down.”

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When it comes to creeks, I might not be brook smart, but I have stream smarts.

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No longer am I only the gardener. That’s me, below.  I’ve been promoted to branch manager!

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Giggles, grins, and groans

Here are the most recent ways my mind has wasted its days.  I suppose that’s better than my mouth waisting me away.

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When I refer to my house as an estate or castle, I am using a manor of speaking.

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I decided to make my house a castle by installing a ring of water around it. Employing men to keep it clean of marauding intruders (subpoena servers, kids selling cookies and candy bars), they failed at their knightly duty. Hauled before the neighborhood court, the head of the round table, Arthur King, handed down their decision: “You must return to being a house. You have been de-moated!”

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In auto industry news, I heard that production of gas pedals is accelerating.

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I have received some shocking news: I am an only child! My sister told me. My brother confirmed it. And now my other brother is wondering if he also is an only child.

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I got a great deal on this utility pole, but when I was lifting it from my trunk, I dropped it, it rolled down the driveway, spun around the oak tree, and came to a rest in the ditch. I am in desperate need of a pole vault.

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Bless IPL’s heart.  They erected the pole in our back yard, where the old pole was barely able to stand.  It was transformng!

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Since my thermos knows when I put something hot into it so that it keeps it hot, why don’t my sneezes know when I am holding a full cup of coffee?

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Enviously observing the success of Taco Tuesdays at his next door neighbor and friend’s Juan-A-Day Mexican Restaurant, Dieterich decided to heavily promote Wienerschnitzel Wednesdays at his Let’s Go Deutsche Grill.

Dieterich now buses tables at Juan’s.

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I was working on a theory to explain why we experience deja vu, when I had the weird sensation that I had done this before.

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As the tide swept me out to sea, I realized that I should have been keeping up on current events.

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My love for the ocean comes in waves.

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And finally, this one is no joke.  For the first time in my life, I have hair long enough to wear in a pony tail!

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