Humor in the time of coronavirus

Yes, this kid is me. 1966. Age nine.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It seems I chose the wrong week to become less aloof.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Something good happened for me in the midst of these challenging days: my new car was delivered—a Toyota Corona!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Coronavirus reminds me of when the electricity goes out.

No electricity: I can’t watch TV. I guess I’ll read a book. Oh, wait, I can’t turn on a light. Okay, I’ll cook something good to eat. Oh, wait …

Coronavirus: I can’t go to a basketball game. I guess I’ll watch one on TV. Oh, wait, no games are being played. Okay, I’ll go out to eat. Oh, wait …

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I chose the wrong week to begin addressing my agoraphobia.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In 1980, I took up running. I’m now glad I chose it over the other thing I was pondering: mosh pit officiating.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julie: Hon, what are you doing?

Me: Watching “Castaway.”

Julie: Again??? Why?

Me: Research, Sweetheart. Research.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

These are trying times, kids.

Remember to be kind.

And rewind.

I still write jokes!

Worry not, my friends. I have not been deterred by the groans which ring out from all who react to my puns and wacky observations. I continue to allow my fractured thoughts to leave my brain and enter my computer. Here’s what’s been accumulating like so many flakes of winter snow.

I hollered, “Watch out! That arrow is headed straight for the side of your head!” Both my warning and the arrow went through one ear and out the other.

When the grocery store is packed with shoppers, I dream of being castaway on a desert aisle.

Did you hear about the two orchestra conductors who fought over a piece of music? They had a score to settle.

The young man just passed the bar exam. He was reviewing job offers. A friend asked whether he’d made his choice. He replied, “I’ve narrowed it down, but I have yet to make a firm decision.”

My dentist told me that I wouldn’t have to see him so often if I improved how I clean my teeth. It felt like he was giving me the brush off.

All of my macaroni has been kidnapped! It is being held pastage!

A lot of things are better the second day. Spaghetti. Chili. But do you know what’s not better the second day? A dead raccoon.

A window section, which has fallen and broken, is a pane to clean up.

When I cook supper, and its time to eat, I holler to the family, “Come and regret it!” (I really do say this. And when I forget to do so, my grandson reminds me.)

If I could be paid $2,000 for each of my corny jokes, I could make a pun of money!

Happy . . . huh?

This Thanksgiving, I have specialized wishes to offer:

For everyone named Henry, I bid you a Happy Hanksgiving!

+               +               +

Eating hot dogs for your feast? Happy Franksgiving!

+               +               +

Looking over your finances and finding yourself in good shape? Happy Banksgiving!

+               +               +

Spending the day with a bunch of practical jokers? Happy Pranksgiving!

+               +               +

If you are the one who best pulls everyone’s leg: Happy Yanksgiving!

+               +               +

Were you promoted yesterday and are relishing it today? Let me be the first to offer a hearty Happy Ranksgiving!

+               +               +

Feeling a little frisky with your better half? Happy Spanksgiving!

+               +               +

What’s that you say? You are not being forced off the edge of the boat and into the water? Happy Planksgiving!

+               +               +

And when I finish off the homemade eggnog which I will soon stir up, I hope you wish me a Happy Dranksgiving!

+               +               +

Finally, for our adult audience:

It’s the day after you got the long-awaited vasectomy?  Happy Blanksgiving!

We all could use a few laughs

Here are some things that have recently popped into my head.  As you read, please remember: Just because I have hare-brained ideas doesn’t automatically make me a dumb bunny . . . does it???

bust-a-gut-laughing-bunny

I just applied for a job in a hospital baby delivery room.  Why?  Because I like meeting new people.

images.png

My Google search informed me that they gave me 501 million results in 0.61 seconds. I showed them: I clicked on every one of them in 0.56 seconds.

C8TtQq_XgAAm0Lf

There are two cannibal jokes of unknown origin that always make me laugh.  One is this: Two cannibals are standing around a huge pot, such as the one in the cartoon, below. One cannibal says, “I don’t care for my mother-in-law.”  The other replies, “Then just eat the vegetables.”

Here is the other joke:

entertainment-cannibal-funny_taste-cook-cookery-clowns-59930231_low.jpg

I was inspired to come up with my own cannibal jokes.  I managed to create three!

  1. One cannibal says to another, “What’s that you’re cooking? It looks like the leader of Saudi Arabia.” The other cannibal replies, “It is. I was in the mood for a protein sheikh.”
  2. Cannibal one: “I hate vegetables.”  Cannibal two: “Then stop raiding the hospital’s ICU!”
  3. A cannibal tried starting his own religion, hoping to earn a living from member offerings.  What made him an utter failure?  He ate all of the prophets.

download.png

I wasn’t sure if I should be inoculated for my incessant idiocy, but I figured it was worth a shot.

liquid-clipart-kid-medicine-6.jpg

Since I retired, I have taken over the job of cooking for the family.  I’m not saying that I am a bad cook, but every time I call the family to the dinner table, I holler, “Come and regret it!”

download

Enjoying an afternoon snooze on my boat, another vessel came by fast enough to make the water bounce up and down, jerking me from my sleep. I leaped to my feet, shook my fist, and hollered, “This is a no wake zone!”

Creekrat_Schuster_Tahiti_1972

If the government shutdown continues, the following will take place:

Monday. Social Security checks, which have been mailed since January 1, will be removed from bank accounts.

Tuesday. All prisons will be emptied.  Inmates will be instructed to return within one hour after the government starts back up.

Wednesday.  The views at Grand Canyon will go dark.

Thursday. Old Faithful will go quiet.

Friday.  The following will happen at Mount Rushmore:

175578.png

Finally, every day the government is shut down.  All taxes will both be collected and expected to be paid.

Rat-Funny-Laugh-Cartoon

Giggles, goofs, and gaffes

Declaring the solar eclipse potentially too dangerous for its citizens, the state of Indiana has outlawed it.

Local politicians weigh in:

Indiana state senator Phil I. Buster: “We studied the results of previous eclipses. Finding that 0.00017% of Americans suffered vision damage from the last eclipse, we simply could not take that risk. Besides, reports of excited school students and exhilarated adults concerned us. Indianans aren’t equipped to handle that much excitement.”

Representative Lesley Lature laid down the law, “Either the sun or the moon will have to shift its course when it cruises over our state. If not, they will have their Indiana rights and privileges revoked.”

When lawmaker Mr. Righteousindignation was found to have made plans to go to Ohio next week, the press pressed him. Fidgeting, he finally blurted out, “I have to go to my grandmother’s funeral!” Mr. Righteousindignation is 77. Why hadn’t the media been all over the death of his grandmother, who surely was the world’s oldest person?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Facing fierce congressional pressure, I stand firm: I never met with a single Russian official during my transition.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The man became addicted to communicating only by way of internet images. Some people are just so meme-spirited.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I just got a job as a tour guide. My first tour will be to guide a group of tour guides who are in town to examine our museum’s historical collection of printed tour guides.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When a medical examiner has died of a heart attack, was the fatal blow a coronerary?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rabbit pick-up line: “Come on, baby. Let your hare down.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When it comes to creeks, I might not be brook smart, but I have stream smarts.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

No longer am I only the gardener. That’s me, below.  I’ve been promoted to branch manager!

19895063_10154822857818494_1123523996883841734_n

Punnier business

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.  Thus, I post more of my goofy wit.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I was young, I went with my friend to visit his grandmother. He eagerly took me to a brook, which was deep in the woods, where he loved to swim. The water was clear, the bottom was sandy, the spot was perfect.

I asked, “Since you only come here once a year, how do you remember where this spot is?” He replied, “I recalled that there is this beautiful bed of clover all around.”

When I was back home, I found myself at our nearby stream, and my eyes lit up when I saw the same type of greenery growing near it. I quickly threw off my clothes and plunged in. Argh! The water was muddy. The bottom was rocky. It was just awful.

As I quickly got out of there, the old saying dawned on me and it sure was proven true:

Never judge a brook by its clover.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My bucket list and my grocery list are the same list.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A Wednesday joke:

Today is Hump Day.  Make it a special one.  Treat your camel to lunch.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I made a batch of dough.
With it, I was able to form a loaf.
But I lacked the skills to shape rolls.
Once again, an old saying was proved true:
Easier bread than bun.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After yoga, my yodeling yogi, Yolanda from Yonkers, took me out yonder for yo-yo lessons and yogurt.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

No longer am I only the gardener. I have been promoted to branch manager!

IMG_20170712_105957872.jpg