My toilet paper disaster

I have made a grave error. I purchased single ply toilet paper. And now Julie and I are paying the price.

You’re thinking, “Hey, goofball, just double up how much you use. It won’t cost more because you paid less. It will all work out in the end!” That’s exactly where I want it to work out—in the end. Sadly, it ain’t so simple.

Since single ply is one half of 2 ply—thank you, public school!—I figured out that for every two squares of single ply it would equate with one square of 2 ply.

If only.

To save you the effort, I examined the situation closely. I got out my slide rule. I then put away my slide rule because I never learned how to use a slide rule and, honestly, I have no idea why there is a slide rule in our house.

Next, I googed the quest. According to numerous sites, 2 ply is single ply times two. I was skeptical.

Thus, I did what any concerned TP user would do: I laid one square on top of another. Having done that, I used my ever-trusty memory to tell me whether it matched up to 2 ply. I didn’t think so.

Finally, I was ready to press it to the flesh. But, I was thirsty, and a cola sounded good. I had bought some Coke and some Pepsi, and I had planned this week to do a blind taste-test to see which I prefer. Ever since the Pepsi Challenge commercials began in 1975, I’d been meaning to do this. What better time than the present? Be sure to come back to my blog for the intriguing results.

I was now ready to pull up to the throne and pull down my BVDs for the TP Challenge. Fearing the fruit of the gloom, I unraveled twice as many squares as I normally would for my task. I neatly folded them in the manner in which I habitually do so.

Examining my work, I was riddled with doubt. But, I’m a brave soul, so I went in for the wipe.

I’ll spare you the gory details.

I reloaded. As I unfurled the squares, I saw visions of pennies floating upward from the roll.

I feel duped.

How did this happen to me? I’m a careful shopper. You know those stickers on the shelves, the ones that tell you how much items cost, say, per ounce? I read those things with the zeal of a shirtless Packers fan on a December day in Lambeau Field. And, it’s crazy that I should be taken by bathroom tissue, as the usual five or six options at my Aldi don’t match up in how they present the cost-per info. This one has more squares per roll, and that one has thicker plies, and they vary in rolls per package, so that comparative pricing is almost more than my public school education can handle and I find myself tapping my pockets in search of my slide rule.

And this single ply versus 2 ply thing? I always check. Always! I am so averse to single ply that noting this aspect is the first thing I do.

What happened to me? Am I slipping? Is shopping a young man’s game? Though at age 63 I’m still able to jog six miles at a time, does that not translate across my skills range?

I was really stewing about this when I called on my ever-trusty memory and pictured myself back in the store, in that aisle, in front of the bathroom tissue. That’s when I had my eureka! moment: there was only one option!

As it had been in your store, there was a period last year when the hopes of seeing TP were DOA and not to be fulfilled ASAP. I was thankful I had bought the mega-sized package early in 2020. No, not prescient about the coming lockdown and stock-up, but simply because we were low.

Thankfully, by autumn Aldi had caught up. They even removed the “limit one” sign. Still, we didn’t need it. Until now.

So, there I was, in need of both facial tissues and toilet paper. To my surprise, there were zero boxes of facial tissues. And though they had been “limit two,” I didn’t recall them ever being out. I made a mental note, “Put those on the Meijer list,” and stepped forward to the TP.

The Aldi where I shop has two pallets for bathroom tissue. Those pallets looked lonely. There might have been four twelve-packs stacked on it. I looked closely. Yup, they were all the same thing. But in my concern over that, I missed the key thing: single ply.

If I’d noticed, would I have forgone purchasing it and added it to my mental Meijer list? That’s a dangerous game to play. What if I had, and we ran out? What if Meijer were out? What if Meijer were stocked, but only had … wait for it … single ply???

At this rate, we will go through this package of TP fifty percent quicker than normal. There goes our bathroom tissue budget.

This entire fiasco has left me tired and thirsty. I need a cola. Which one do you think I’m going to choose?